complicated

Tonight, my mood suddenly became so complicated,
I don't know why..
I don't wish to explain much about what's deep inside my heart,
not because of anyone,
but because of my own feelings.
I wish to have a brother and sister..
since when I was small..
When I see people got sister and brother taking care of them,
I wonder how good is it if I've same like them.
Then I can share my feelings with my eldest sister,
I got eldest brother protect me always,
how good is it..
Maybe I'm lack of secure feel,
thus I keep finding someone older then me ,
finding this kind of protection from the future life partner.
Argh~ just forget about it.
I already get used with the life which without anyone's protection..
I must be tough~